The Greatest Love Story of All Time

It’s been awhile. Between law school, pumping, administering meds, going to follow up appointments, and remembering to eat I guess it’s no wonder I haven’t found the time. I’m grateful for this moment gifted to me as Cillian sleeps for me to take a breath and do what I love to do most and write.

It feels like just yesterday I was writing my last blog post in preparation for Cillian’s arrival. Little did I know, nothing could really prepare me for what I was to experience. If I could define the one thing that kept me going through the hard nights, it was love. The night before Cillian’s surgery I sat for hours and cradled him as he slept. While I sat there I prayed over him. I sang to him. I stroked his wild brown hair. And I cried. I cried because my heart was both so full and so broken at the same time. I looked down at my son. My own son, and I saw love. I saw innocence. Yet I knew the path he was about to go down, one he was ignorant of as he slumbered in my arms. It was one of pain. It was one of heartache. It was one that flirted all too closely with death. Every such thought was a knife in the heart.

I was talking to my mom a few days ago and she said something so simple: “the more you love, the more it hurts.” How true that is. There was nothing I wanted to do more than to take him home. To not journey down this painful path together. Yet I couldn’t. I looked down at my son knowing the battle he alone had to fight. In the days to come, I would almost lose him twice, once as I cradled him in my arms much like the night before the surgery. In that moment when I was preparing to say goodbye to my little warrior as he laid lifeless in my arms, I prayed. "Lord, grant me one gift." And there my little warrior opened his eyes looking at me as he did in this picture. And there in that moment, I understood the love God has for us, but perhaps not in the way you are thinking. Allow me to explain.

On the outside looking into Cillian’s journey, it is easy for others to think we have a cruel God to have infants and families go through such suffering. I challenge that thought. These past seven weeks I have witnessed what is perhaps the greatest love story of all time illustrated by the depths of love God has for us. As I gaze into my own sons eyes, my greatest desire is for him to live fully, without pain or suffering, and for him to love us and for us to love him. For there to be a relationship with the ones that have created him to be. God in the same way looks at us wanting to be loved by His creation. But sin got in the way and broke that relationship which we are now living the consequences of. In efforts for Him to reclaim this love for us, he made the biggest sacrifice he could for us by sending his only son Jesus to die for us and bridge the gap of sin. As a parent, I see this now differently. I love my own son so much, but God loves his own son Jesus even more. And if what my mom said is true, that the more you love the more it hurts, the pain God must have experienced watching his own son die on the cross must have been a level of pain we as humans may never experience, though I did get a taste of it almost losing my own that one night. And God did this all for our sake, for us to be reunited with the love our Creator has for us. It is there, just waiting for us to receive it. I can’t think of a greater display of love for us. This is THE greatest love story of all time.

“But will this love protect me from pain? How can God be loving and let bad things happen?” As I continue to share the mystery of Christ through Cillian’s story, these questions have fallen into my lap. The truth is, Sam and I have had many conversations surrounding these same questions. As I was scratching my head about this age old question, I decided to look at what I know. I know that the love God has for us is the strongest love known to mankind. I know that because of my relationship with Christ and choosing faith over fear I have experienced a peace that is simply unexplainable. I know that because of my faith, I do not fear death which is a reality I came face to face with. I know that because of my faith I have witnessed more blessing than pain through the tragedy. I know that because of my God and the faithful prayers to him by the many that are supporting our family, we have witnessed miracles only to be explained by the Healer doing his work. Perhaps some examples of things our village of prayer warriors petitioned to God would help. Cillian was marked intrauterine growth restricted measuring at 5 pounds 2 ounces one day before I delivered which marked him a high risk to not receive surgery due to how small he was. He was delivered at a healthy 6 pounds 2 ounces, fully eligible to be a recipient of surgery. My having SMA was a significant risk of delivery going wrong as I would most likely lose strength halfway through the delivery process. I pushed for 2 hours with all the strength I had and he was delivered without complication. He developed an infection that could have turned septic and resulted in an open necrotic hole towards his heart. The staff said he recovered in record time, they “could not believe their eyes” as one nurse put it. HLHS infants very often do not find the strength to breastfeed and eat on their own often times resulting in a G-tube for long term use. He ate the second day in the step down unit. These are just a few.

Yes, there is a God. Yes, He is good. And yes, He is the very definition of love. He did not want this for Cillian. But because of sin entering the world this is how it came to be. But He can use even the greatest tragedy resulting from sin for His glory, as witnessed through Cillian’s life journey. So no, this love will not protect you from harm, in fact the Bible even warns us by that when Jesus himself said “In this life, you will have trouble.” But I can promise that in leaning into the purest and strongest love He has for you, He will give you strength when you are weak, you will be gifted a peace so unexplainable, you will NOT fear death, and you WILL see blessing in your choice to follow Him.

I encourage those who are asking these same questions to seek answers only revealed to them through the Bible. I encourage the skeptics to try laying these quandaries at the foot of the cross and see what happens. I encourage all to seek the love of Christ that is there for all. While I cannot promise it will protect you from trials, I can promise it will provide a safe haven, a lighthouse, and respite in some of the darkest days one can experience.

God Bless,

The Bish Family