Not My Will, But Yours Be Done

When I was 10 years old I was diagnosed with a genetic disorder called Spinal Muscular Atrophy (link for those unfamiliar). At the time there was no treatment, and instead I was told to hope for the best but to expect my bodily strength to decline over time. To what extent was unknown and would just be a waiting game. Hearing that as a 10 year old with their life ahead of them was devastating. For the majority of my childhood I spent my life begging God to get rid of my disability, for healing. I so badly wanted to have a “normal” life, to not face the road I was tasked with going down that was riddled with unknowns. I lived everyday in fear wondering when my body was going to take a turn for the worse. When I would lose the ability to walk, climb the stairs, when I would need a mobility device to function. Like so many who have prayed for Cillian’s heart to be miraculously healed, I begged in a similar way for God to take this burden away and heal me. For years. And years.

But the healing I prayed for never came. And I struggled with that concept of praying to a God who loved me yet was making me go through this journey. I tried to fill my mind with self-help mantra’s and books, but nothing answered the question I had for my Creator: “Why me Lord? And why this?” So, I went to Him one day and prayed a simple prayer, “Lord, if there is a reason you created me to have SMA, I need you to show me now. I am done resisting, I accept how you created me, show me your will through this.”

I simply don’t have enough time to express the amazing ways God has used my disability to help others from that point on. Trust me, it’s enough to fill a book with similar stories of God’s providence and timing in ways circumstance could not explain. Through deepening my relationship with my Creator I have realized while it wasn’t in His original design for me to have SMA, surrendering that to His will and trusting in Him has led to more blessing I could have even imagined. Perhaps the greatest gift of all was one I had been searching for since my diagnosis: the ever-constant peace and true contentment in who was designed to be knowing I was loved and accepted by my Creator. My worth was no longer tied to the standards of this world, but by the one who created me and defined my purpose in this life.

I am thankful for journeying through SMA prior to Cillian’s diagnosis. While this was a different struggle, I knew from the beginning that trusting in God and surrendering to His will over mine would lead to better blessing in ways I could even imagine, even if it doesn’t seem that way to the world. Even with the risk of complication. Even with the risk of Cillian not making it through surgery. Even with what I want and pray for not happening. The blessing I speak of I have already seen. The prior post only captured one third of the stories similar to those I have written about. Its unexplainable by the world’s measures, and unfathomable to many. I also know this because of my journey with SMA. Even with my body failing, I know God’s will is still persistent and ever present. And as long as I cling to that truth, there lies the peace and contentment that nothing in this world can supplant.

Sam and I just spent the week at home in Maryland for Cillian’s baby shower and for the Willis family Christmas. My family means the world to me (pictured is Cillian with all his nieces and nephews), so walking into this weekend was bittersweet knowing this was the last time for a while the whole family would be together for some time until Cillian recovers. Throughout that weekend Sam and I had many pray for and over us. Some have even asked boldly that Cillian’s heart defect be cured. All of these prayers have meant more to us than one can imagine. This journey has certainly tested my prayer life in incredibly unique ways, and I have asked myself many questions that are common when experiencing trials: Why is this happening? What is God’s plan and purpose through this? Perhaps the most difficult question I have pondered is: if it isn’t his will for Cillian to survive, how will I be able to see the blessing through the pain? These are incredibly tough questions to answer, so I turned to the one who illustrated how to lean on faith through prayer: Jesus. Throughout his lifetime Jesus prayer for many things: before/during important events that displayed His Power (Mark 7:31-37, John 11:41-42, Matthew 14:23, Luke 9:28-29, Luke 11:1, Luke 6:12-13), in thanks and blessing (Matthew 14:19, Mk 6:41, Luke 9:16, Matthew 15:36), for his faith to be strong through various trials (John 17: 1-26), and for the strength to forgive (Luke 23:34).

Many of us forget Jesus was human. He experienced every emotion we have felt, including the deep wells of grief. His heart is as broken as mine and others experiencing trials, and he knows the pain very intimately. He knows the war trials have on faith too. We know this through three particular passages in which Jesus is asking God to remove the whatever burden he is facing:

When Jesus predicts his death on the cross

John 12:27 – “Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘Father, save Me from this hour? But it is for this purpose I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name.” Then a voice came from heaven, saying, “I have both glorified it and will glorify it again.”

Jesus’s prayer in the garden of Gethsemane hours before his arrest and crucifixion

Matthew 36-38: Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to the disciples, “Sit here while I go and pray over there.” And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and He began to be sorrowful and deeply distressed. Then He said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me.”

Matthew 26:39 (first prayer) “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.”

Matthew 26: 42 (second prayer) “O My Father, if this cup will not pass away from Me unless I drink it, Your will be done.”

Jesus’s lasts words

Luke 23:46 – “And when Jesus had cried out with a loud voice, He said, “Father, ‘into Your hands I commit My spirit’.” Having said this, He breathed His last.

As I poured over these passages for answers to these questions, I began to see some themes unfold. First, Jesus experienced the wells of grief and petitioned them to God:

Matthew 26:38 -Then he said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me.”

John 12:27 – “Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘Father, save Me from this hour?’

Luke 23:46 – “And when Jesus had cried out with a loud voice, He said, “Father, ‘into Your hands I commit My spirit’.” Having said this, He breathed His last.

He then asked boldly for what his heart was yearning for, knowing God is capable of doing the very thing he is asking:

Matthew 26:39 (first prayer) “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.”

Matthew 26: 42 (second prayer) “O My Father, if this cup will not pass away from Me unless I drink it, Your will be done.”

Luke 23:32: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.”

After making the bold asks, he then submitted to Gods will:

Matthew 26:39 (first prayer) “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.”

Matthew 26: 42 (second prayer) “O My Father, if this cup will not pass away from Me unless I drink it, Your will be done.”

John 12:27: Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘Father, save Me from this hour?’ But for this purpose I came to this hour.”

Luke 23:44: And when Jesus had cried out with a loud voice, He said, “Father, ‘into Your hands I commit My spirit.”

Here I will ask the obvious question: Why make the ask if you are just going to submit to Gods will in the end? Because God wants to know our hearts. He wants to nurture a relationship with us, and in any relationship communication is key. How is God to know the depths of your heart and faith and trust in Him if you don’t make the big ask, but then acknowledge that His will is best?

And finally, He prayed for glory to be brought to His name

Luke 23: 47: So when the centurion saw what happened, he glorified God, saying, “Certainly this was a righteous Man!”

John 12:27: Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘Father, save Me from this hour?’ But for this purpose, I came to this hour. Father glorify Your name.” Then a voice came from heaven, saying, “I have both glorified it and will glorify it again.”

Reading these passages brought clarity as to how Sam and I should pray through this journey. Since so many have asked how they can pray for us, I encourage you to pray in the following way for Cillian, Sam, and I as we venture down the last two months of pregnancy into the long road of surgery and recovery.

1. While Sam and I don’t like to stay in the wells of grief, we petition it all to the Lord. Lying down at night seems to be when the grief strikes the hardest, and our closest moments to God have been the midnight prayers of us petitioning our grief to the Lord together. His heart is breaking too, sometimes we forget that. But we have found in doing that, peace like a river floods.

2. Sam and I still pray boldly for healing. Specifically, we pray for several things:

   • For his ASD to remain unrestricted that will ease surgery post-birth.

   • For him to grow! We just found out two days ago that Cillian is labeled a restricted growth because of how small he is (in the 6.9 percentile, just a little guy!), so we pray for him to gain as much weight as possible. Bigger hearts mean easier hearts to operate on, so growth is vital right now!

   • For full term delivery. This in and of itself would be a miracle since low birth weights are commonly associated with preterm labor.

   • For me to remain strong throughout pregnancy and avoid any serious falls that could trigger preterm labor.

   • For no additional defects to form that would complicate surgery.

   • For the blood flow from the placenta to Cillian to remain normal and unrestricted. We ask all this boldly knowing God is the great Physician.

   • For God to continue to provide for our various needs during our transition to Boston.

3. We pray in submission to His will. We pray all this knowing His Will is sovereign overall, despite the work he is doing already through Cillian’s life is a mystery to us. But we know that is surrendering to His will that He will give blessing through it all and reveal His glory and power.

We encourage you to pray with us in this way.

I’ll end with sharing several truths about prayer and faith: God created us “in His image,” and above all else he yearns for a relationship with every one of us. He loves us so much, that He sent his son Jesus to live a blameless life only to assume the sins of the world so that He can spend eternity with us. This was the only way, and Jesus himself recognized how heavy of a trial this was. Jesus’s heart broke (and still breaks) many times for us, so if your heart is breaking, His is too. He wants the best for us, and the sin that entered this world can mar our ability to see that. Prayer allows us to deepen our relationship with Him and through that He will reveal His purpose for us in this life. Through that purpose lies true peace and contentment that nothing else in this world could fulfill - with or without healing, deliverance, or even your prayers being answered. Just like Jesus, we lay our grief at the cross, we petition our asks above, and we honor His will that we witness through the blessing that unfolds before us. There in lies the purpose of prayer. For His will, not ours to be ever present in our life and our relationship with our Creator to grow and deepen as a result.

God Bless,

The Bish Family