From Grief to Glory

When I found out I was pregnant I bought this Bible and switched my daily devotions to what would be Cillian’s first bible. Before I read, I would pray for wisdom through the words I would read and notes I would write to him. While I didn’t know Cillian’s life journey, God did. And I prayed that in every challenge and obstacle he faced, Cillian would turn to the Word knowing that every answer lies in these pages. I prayed for insight and knowledge as I read and took notes that would one day help him in every stumbling block he experienced in life.

Tuesday, one day before we received the diagnosis, I had finished with John and was looking for another book to start and landed in Job (I should have known better!). Having read Job several times, I was familiar with the broad overall message, but not the particular insight I gathered below. On the top of the title page before I started reading, I put a note for Cillian, “this is great book about how to praise God through tragedy, when all you want to do is turn your back. You are not promised a problem free life, but you are promised a God who will guide you through and give you peace amongst the storm.” At the time, I didn't know the significance of those words and how they would be more helpful to me than Cillian in this journey.

Many are familiar with the story, but for those who aren’t I will give a brief synopsis. Job was in Gods eyes a righteous man who God blessed both spiritually and materially with bountiful wealth. As Satan was roaming the Earth his eyes fixated on Job and he told God: “Does Job fear God for nothing? Have You not made a hedge around him, around his household, and around all that he has on every side?....stretch out Your hand and touch all that he has, and he will surely curse You to Your face!”

God tested Job’s faithfulness and allowed (a key word) calamity to strike Job. He lost his property, his children, and shortly his health. Job plunged into a deep well of grief and in efforts to help three of his friends came to his aid: Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar. In his grief, Job claimed his righteousness should have barred him from suffering. That God had found fault with an innocent man and is therefore unjust and wrong in His ways. Job stated he was being unfairly punished by God. His three friends attempt to combat these claims, but their arguments failed to prove Job wrong. As Job sunk deeper and deeper into his grief, his friends were running out of things to say.

As Sam and I had to face the routine of life again I began to struggle with grief more seriously. With an event like this, I was asking questions I normally had not ever entertained. Like Job, I was questioning if I had done something wrong to deserve this. I was grieving a normal pregnancy. When all others were happily prepping their nursery, I was praying everyday for the Lord to keep Cillian’s heart viable only to then be praying by his bedside in the CICU for the Lord to spare his life and keep him alive after the surgeries. I had to come to grips with living in this fear of possibly losing Cillian at any moment. How could I be content in that? How could I find joy in that? Like Job I was counting up the trials I had experienced in life and getting righteous in my spirit. “Lord, was giving me a chronic illness not enough? Was giving me/having me go through X not enough? Have I not given you the glory in all of those trials? Why must you give me this continual strife?” This grief and bitterness turned to jealously of what I was seeing. I was jealous of my sisters, of my friends who were going through normal pregnancies. As law students were complaining about workload around me, all I wanted to do was lash out thinking they know nothing stress and managing work. I felt entitled and justified in these feelings because of the diagnosis we were given. I felt I had a right to air these complaints given the journey we had to go down. My spirit was hardening, and I could feel it.

These feelings were not only uncomfortable, they were foreign to me. This type of grief was new, it was deep, and I felt for the first time I lacked understanding of how to deal with it all. I spoke about this to my sister-in-law who had recently gone through nearly 6 years of infertility and just had her first baby. I asked her, “how did you get through the grief? But not just the grief, the anger, the frustration, and everything in between?” She said “I challenge you to bring all of that to the Lord. Not just your grief, tell Him you are angry at Him, you are angry at the situation, that you think this in unfair, that all you want to do is lash out, and ask Him to work on that part of your heart. That’s the only way you will get through, and He will teach you through that pain as hard as it is.” The next morning, I picked up Cillian’s Bible and opened the bookmarked page where I left off in Job. I petitioned these feelings to the Lord and asked Him to work on my heart. I then prayed the same prayer, “Lord, give me wisdom and insight that will guide Cillian through this life.” As I read the next part of this book, I felt my eyes open and my spirit soften with a new message I had not noticed before.

One friend named Elihu had arrived shortly after the three but chose to remain silent, until this point of the story. He was the youngest there, but God chose him to pour His wisdom over. Elihu became aroused in his anger and began corrected Job on several accounts. Elihu notes that many people turn to God in their strife for a way out, but not as one who is their Maker and can provide joy in times of trouble. To pray for God to deliver them from their strife is praying from a heart of pride. In praying for the Lord to bring joy through the trouble, God promises to restore the afflicted giving them blessings and watching over them, as He cares for them. But even more important than this, Elihu notes that a godly sufferer who obeys and serves Him will get the ultimate blessing: contentment through the pain. Elihu corrects Job sternly in saying he should not see his own suffering as God punishing him or as evidence that God has abandoned Job. Instead, Job should see this as a way of God humbling Job’s spirit, as God teaching Job, and as a way for Job to deepen his relationship with God. God himself, an important note since it was not by an angel, later comes down and affirms what Elihu preached. He says several additional things to Job. First, God illustrates his magnificence and power through nature which He alone orchestrates. In this He asks how Job could understand Gods ways if he could not comprehend His authority over nature. Second, God points out that Job had been faithful to God, so others looked up to him as a man of faith. For Job to say “God is my enemy” would confuse others about God instead of seeing these trials as an opportunity to reveal His glory by sharing with others how God has renewed Jobs spirit and blessed Job in his faithfulness by taking care of Job. “And when He hides His face, who then can see Him?” Job recognizes the error in his response to the trials, and repents. He says in his repentance, "I know that You can do everything, and that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You." In this, God fulfilled His promise to bless those who find peace through the pain by fixing their eyes not on circumstance but on how his glory and power is revealed in such a time. The story ends by illustrating the many ways God blessed Job with even more than he had before tragedy struck.

I was convicted through this story of Job. I realized I had been praying from a heart of pride. I was praying for deliverance, when I needed to pray for peace. Through this understanding I felt my grief turn to glory, and my spirit renewed. I have felt my relationship with God deepen with that understanding alone. I have already seen the Lord’s promise to care for the afflicted in a way that His glory be revealed come to fruition before Cillian is even here. I will illustrate with just a few. Sam had accepted a job just a year ago that was fully remote, perfect for us to uproot in a moments notice. Because I has SMA I was considered “high-risk” and was therefore placed in a specialty OB clinic whose technicians were specialized enough to give us a diagnosis that day. This is how I know there is truth in the words spoken by Elihu and God. I will continue to pray for Cillian's heart to develop because the Lord is the ultimate physician. But what I wasn't praying for was peace despite the outcome. Despite Cillians heart not becoming viable, despite surgery not being successful, despite whatever other risk we face. Our joy does not come through circumstance, but in witnessing God glory through the circumstance in how He tends to those He loves. That is where our joy comes from. That is where our contentment resides. And so, as God’s glory continues to be revealed to us in this journey, I will share that so that others can see. Whatever may come, I do not have to bask in the fear and grief. I know my Savior will restore and watch over has He already has done, because He cares for Cillian even more than Sam and I do, but also because he is Sovereign over everything. Through that He has already brought me peace and ultimate rest to the soul despite the situation. We just have to fix our eyes on how his glory is being revealed through the circumstance, whatever it may be. I read the words I wrote to Cillian with different eyes, "You are not promised a problem free life, but you are promised a God who will guide you through and give you peace amongst the storm." That He will. I can now go down this road of uncertainty armed with the knowledge of peace that comes through witnessing His power revealed through witnessing His purpose.

God bless,

The Bish Family